alone for the first time / 初めての一人暮らし

The only person I found myself listening to on the flight from Edmonton to Vancouver was Ella Fitzgerald. I thought for sure the only persons voice I would be able to hear was my own, mom ranting to myself about how big of a mistake I was making. There definitely was a background 'wah wah wah' version of myself as I left that wanted me to stay, but I found no reason to pay attention to it, because Ella Fitzgerald sounded a lot better at the time.

あたしがエドモントンからバンクーバーへの飛行機の中で聴いたのはElla Fitzgerald(エラ・フィッツジェラルド)だけ。違うシティに引っ越すって決めたとき、聞こえるのは自分の声か、ママがあたしがどれだけ大きな間違った決意をしたかってわめいてる声だけだと思ったの。もちろん『わーわーわー』って出発するときにここにいたいって思ってる自分のごちゃごちゃ言ってる声も聞こえたよ。だけど、エラ・フィッツジェラルドのほうがその『わーわーわー』ってごちゃごちゃ言ってる自分よりもよっぽどマシだったからごちゃごちゃを受け入れる理由はないってわかってた。

'Wah wah wah, what do you think you're gonna do there? What is it you think you're going to find?' It sounded extremely similar to the voice that actually wanted me to leave in the first place. 'Wah, why are you still in Edmonton? Why have you just sat on the floor for the past three years? Where exactly is the comfort you seem to think you have here?'


'Bitch' definition: Wah wah wah. Someone sort of like you that disagrees with things that make you 100% yourself. Convinces you to leave when you're not finished staying, convinces you leaving was wrong after you decided not to stay. We all have that asshole that sometimes gets the best of us. It's the same one that tells you to order a salad for the millionth time when you would rather get the sourdough grilled cheese just once.


There were so many 'whoa ouch' moments I came across not even in the first month of living away from my hometown but even within the first couple of days. For example- oh wait, I have to go to the other side of the city to get good custard tarts? Why has nobody here heard of Morewine? Why can't I just get a coffee without becoming an accidental coffee snob? Minor things that just made it HD clear to me that I wasn't in Kansas anymore.


The real life slaps to the face were only delivered when I moved into my first ever apartment, alone, in a city I barely know. As in; Oh I am fully alone. I am fully alone. I'm out of food, and I'm fully alone. I still don't have a bed frame, and I am fully alone. I was so excited and proud of the fact that I was finally doing the healthy thing for myself, finally being 'Big girl Syd', that it never entered my mind- I'm gonna be alone for the first time ever.


I talk about it like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and yes I can confidently say that I've never been this uncomfortable in my life. However, it's the fourth month being away from Edmonton, and last week I started to sleep in a much cozier way than I have since I moved here. W