alone for the first time / 初めての一人暮らし



The only person I found myself listening to on the flight from Edmonton to Vancouver was Ella Fitzgerald. I thought for sure the only persons voice I would be able to hear was my own, mom ranting to myself about how big of a mistake I was making. There definitely was a background 'wah wah wah' version of myself as I left that wanted me to stay, but I found no reason to pay attention to it, because Ella Fitzgerald sounded a lot better at the time.


あたしがエドモントンからバンクーバーへの飛行機の中で聴いたのはElla Fitzgerald(エラ・フィッツジェラルド)だけ。違うシティに引っ越すって決めたとき、聞こえるのは自分の声か、ママがあたしがどれだけ大きな間違った決意をしたかってわめいてる声だけだと思ったの。もちろん『わーわーわー』って出発するときにここにいたいって思ってる自分のごちゃごちゃ言ってる声も聞こえたよ。だけど、エラ・フィッツジェラルドのほうがその『わーわーわー』ってごちゃごちゃ言ってる自分よりもよっぽどマシだったからごちゃごちゃを受け入れる理由はないってわかってた。


'Wah wah wah, what do you think you're gonna do there? What is it you think you're going to find?' It sounded extremely similar to the voice that actually wanted me to leave in the first place. 'Wah, why are you still in Edmonton? Why have you just sat on the floor for the past three years? Where exactly is the comfort you seem to think you have here?'


『あたしは着いたら何やるつもりなんだろう!?何を見つけると思ってるんだろう?』ってごちゃごちゃ頭の中でね。でもこれってずっとエドモントンを離れたかったっていう自分の想いと同じようなもの。『なんでまだエドモントンにいるの?なんで3年間も同じところに座ってるだけなの?なにがあたしを引き止めてるの?』ってごちゃごちゃね。

'Bitch' definition: Wah wah wah. Someone sort of like you that disagrees with things that make you 100% yourself. Convinces you to leave when you're not finished staying, convinces you leaving was wrong after you decided not to stay. We all have that asshole that sometimes gets the best of us. It's the same one that tells you to order a salad for the millionth time when you would rather get the sourdough grilled cheese just once.


『ビッチ』は『わーわーわー』ってごちゃごちゃうるさい。何人かの人はあたしが100%自分らしくいられるって思うことに対して批判してくる。まだここにいなくちゃって、ここを離れる必要はない、間違ってるよって。あたしたちの邪魔をしてくるような嫌な人たちっているよね。そういう人ってあたしがただ食べたいものを食べたいときに『サラダ食べたほうがいいよ』とかいってくるやつね。


There were so many 'whoa ouch' moments I came across not even in the first month of living away from my hometown but even within the first couple of days. For example- oh wait, I have to go to the other side of the city to get good custard tarts? Why has nobody here heard of Morewine? Why can't I just get a coffee without becoming an accidental coffee snob? Minor things that just made it HD clear to me that I wasn't in Kansas anymore.


最初の1ヶ月はもちろん、たった2日地元を離れて、バンクーバーで一人で暮らし始めて『あーやっちゃったな』って思う瞬間は何度もあったの。例えば、「あ、おいしいカスタードタルト食べにいくのにシティの反対側までいかなきゃいけないの?なんでここに住んでる人は誰もMorewine(エドモントンで有名なアーティスト)を知らないの?コーヒー馬鹿みたいにみえないようにコーヒーをオシャレなカフェで飲めないの?」当たり前だった小さいことがどんどんクリアに見えてきたの。



The real life slaps to the face were only delivered when I moved into my first ever apartment, alone, in a city I barely know. As in; Oh I am fully alone. I am fully alone. I'm out of food, and I'm fully alone. I still don't have a bed frame, and I am fully alone. I was so excited and proud of the fact that I was finally doing the healthy thing for myself, finally being 'Big girl Syd', that it never entered my mind- I'm gonna be alone for the first time ever.


現実的にビンタをくらったみたいな衝撃を感じたのは、最初のアパートに引っ越したとき。一人で。何もわからない、知らないシティで。わー、本当にあたしひとりぼっちだって感じたの。完璧に一人だ。食べ物がないし、あたしひとりぼっち。ベッドをまだ買ってないし、本当にひとりっきり。あたしはついに自分のために、『自立したあたし』って感じるくらいわくわくして、嬉しかった。それで気づいたの、あたし生まれて初めて完全に一人っきりだって。


I talk about it like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and yes I can confidently say that I've never been this uncomfortable in my life. However, it's the fourth month being away from Edmonton, and last week I started to sleep in a much cozier way than I have since I moved here. W