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conflicted love

Today's guest writer, a young Muslim girl who experienced her first love with a girl.


The first time that I was confessed to was when I was in high school and she was my best friend. I felt flattered after she told me and we became best friends.

The second time was in my senior year of high school and she was my classmate. She approached me many times and wanted something more than friendship, to which I wasn’t prepared for as our feelings weren’t mutual. I was scared of the uncertainties, not only because of our gender but I wasn’t ready for commitments. Though the confession didn’t end there, her persistence changed my mind and I was willing to reciprocate her feelings.






My feelings didn’t start to flower as quickly as she did but it grew.

Over time, our relationship became closer, affectionate and stronger.

We had moments of insecurities and talked about it and I experienced my first kiss. In school, we would be exchanging glances across the classroom, gestures small and subtle enough that it was our own little secret in our own secret world. I would always make ‘bento’ and brought pocket-loads of headache patches because she would always get them. In exchange, she would sing with her guitar and take me anywhere I felt like going. We would always be considerate of one another and never thought of anything else. Though at the same time, I felt very conscious about our relationship.

We attended Islamic studies together and Islamic teachings does not approve of same-sex relationships.

As much as I was in love, my heart was also filled with conflicts. Eventually, it grew and began to affect our relationship. It was a magical ride, and yet at the same time, it was treacherous as we constantly had to be vigilant in case our small little secret gets exposed and everything would crumble.










It did after a year or so into the relationship, our ride was cut short and the love that we so much treasure was initially just a fragile heart bound with threads that was slowly thinning. We handled it like how young kids usually do, recklessly and insensitively. The repercussions were too big but being young and unconcerned, we had proven that nothing could have separated us. But in truth, there were many unspoken words and those words eventually became the thorns that completely split our hearts in two.


After I was hit with depression a few years back, I lost all thoughts of consciousness. My conscience and identity became blank and I was drowning in darkness. When I was on a journey to self-discovery, I found myself looking back during these times when we experienced pure love.


Sometimes… I question myself if our love was real or just moments of curiosity. I find myself battling with my inner beliefs; my religion or love. I would convince myself that I have been deceived and I am merely living in a fantastical illusion. I think I was always conflicted with myself whether the relationship was lucid or not, because acknowledging it would mean that I betrayed my religion but to disregard what I felt, would mean that I was being dishonest with myself.

Years and years have passed; I am still unable to forget those fond memories. Until present time, I have come into terms with it and accept who I was; the past that molded my entire present existence for the future to come. I guess what I was hoping for was to find a clear line that separates the differences between submitting yourself to God and loving another while not conforming to its religious teachings.








The place where I grew up was different to where I was born.

I grew up in a place where we were encouraged to speak our minds, but it was different in the place where I was born. I was lucky enough that I was surrounded by my high school friends who were ‘cool’ and they never condemned us of our relationship. Love is love.





Some people may think love is merely a product of good chemicals secreted from your body. Some people may think that love is an embodiment of two (or more) persons sharing a deep and unequivocal bond, emotionally and physically. Love should be respected and celebrated.

My religion may send a different message but my religion also teaches us that we have no right to condemn, violate or punish another human being for being who they are. My religion teaches that we have to love, embrace and care for another human being regardless of their gender, race and culture. Back then, we were young and reckless, we hurt a lot of people along the way because of miscommunication which leads to misunderstanding and fear. If we could ever go back to that time, we would have done things differently, but I think we both know that along the way, we were fighting for something more important than ourselves.







Translated : Ruru

Images : Writer

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