conflicted love

Today's guest writer, a young Muslim girl who experienced her first love with a girl.


The first time that I was confessed to was when I was in high school and she was my best friend. I felt flattered after she told me and we became best friends.

The second time was in my senior year of high school and she was my classmate. She approached me many times and wanted something more than friendship, to which I wasn’t prepared for as our feelings weren’t mutual. I was scared of the uncertainties, not only because of our gender but I wasn’t ready for commitments. Though the confession didn’t end there, her persistence changed my mind and I was willing to reciprocate her feelings.






My feelings didn’t start to flower as quickly as she did but it grew.

Over time, our relationship became closer, affectionate and stronger.

We had moments of insecurities and talked about it and I experienced my first kiss. In school, we would be exchanging glances across the classroom, gestures small and subtle enough that it was our own little secret in our own secret world. I would always make ‘bento’ and brought pocket-loads of headache patches because she would always get them. In exchange, she would sing with her guitar and take me anywhere I felt like going. We would always be considerate of one another and never thought of anything else. Though at the same time, I felt very conscious about our relationship.

We attended Islamic studies together and Islamic teachings does not approve of same-sex relationships.

As much as I was in love, my heart was also filled with conflicts. Eventually, it grew and began to affect our relationship. It was a magical ride, and yet at the same time, it was treacherous as we constantly had to be vigilant in case our small little secret gets exposed and everything would crumble.