frantic feeling of december
師走の焦燥感と受験の思い出
こんにちは :) 私の住んでいる東京は冬に向かってすっかり寒くなって来ているけれど、みんなの住んでいるところはどう？12月はみんなにとってどんな季節だろう。クリスマスや年末年始だったり、イベントが目白押しだから、東京はなんとなく街全体が夢見心地でそわそわしています。この間、夜に新宿の街をぶらぶら意味もなく歩いたんだけど、どこもかしこもキラキラしてた。ここ何年か、クリスマスの気分を味わったり、イルミネーションを見たりする余裕がなかったから、なんだか嬉しくて泣けてきてしまった。2年前の自分に、大丈夫だよ、ちゃんとクリスマスもイルミネーションも、意味もなく街を散歩することもできるようになるよ、って伝えたい。
Hello :)
Where I live in Tokyo is getting colder and becoming more festive in time for the holidays. How about where you live? What is December like for you? Tokyo becomes a city filled with more dreams than usual. A few weeks ago, I walked around Shinjuku aimlessly, and noticed the city was shining everywhere. For the past few years, I didn't have the time to enjoy Christmas or all the lights in the city, so this walk made me cry joyful tears. This made me want to go back in time to two years ago and tell myself that I'll be able to enjoy all the little things in just a few years.
私にとって12月は受験の追い込み時期、という感覚がとても強い。それは私が2年間受験生をやっていてその時期が色んな意味でとても濃かったから。寒くなってくるとクリスマスのワクワクよりも、あの時の焦燥感とか、好きな事全部我慢していた事とか、迫り来るセンター試験への恐怖とか、そんな事を思い出す。
Every December reminds me of the frantic feeling I had for *my university examinations. I was an "examinee" for two years and every time when it gets colder, I think about the time when I avoided all my favourite things and activities, focusing on studying, and the fear and franticness that accompanies examinations.
私は現役の時に、大学を1校しか受けなかったの。だから落ちてしまった時は自然と浪人が決定した。もちろん現役の時も受かるつもりで受けていたから、それが決まった時はお先真っ暗で、とても先の事なんて考えられなかった。
I only applied for one university when I was still in high school so if I failed the exam, I automatically had to become "ronin," meaning a student who has graduated from middle or high school, but has failed to enter a school at the next level, therefore studying outside of the school system for entrance in a future year (Wikipedia). Obviously, I was thinking to pass the exams at once, in case I failed and had to became a ronin, I couldn't think of anything else.
そもそも志望校にしていた大学も明確な欲求があって選んだのではなく、学費があまりかからないことと、漠然とした憧れ、そして先生や周りに流されて決めた面が強かったから、浪人して初めて、なぜその大学を選んだのかが分からなくなってすごく悩んだ。現役の時は勢いで、あまり悩むこともなく頑張れたけれど、あと1年となった時に、それでも受けたい理由がはっきりしていなかったから、リベンジのために一直線！というモチベーションになれなくてすごく辛かった。ただただこの状況を脱したい、頑張らなきゃ、という思いだけで。そんな状態で頑張っていたから夏あたりに全てのやる気と気力を無くしてしまったんだ。進路を変えるべきなのかすごく迷ったし、自分は何が本当にやりたいのかを初めてちゃんと考えた。自分ととことん向き合った、ある意味辛い濃い数ヶ月間だった。
I didn't even know why I wanted to go to university. The only reasons I chose the university were due to a cheaper tuition rate than other schools, my small dreams, and the people around me that told me to apply. When I became ronin, I realized that I don't know why I wanted to go to the school in the first place. When I was still in high school, I studied so hard (because everyone else was doing the same). I had a strong desire to pass the exams, but when I failed I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't change my mind to "let's try this again next year!" quicker than I could. I had a hard time convincing myself "you can do it again." After that, I thought about my future and what I really wanna do. And that was a month of deep reflection.
結局のところ、志望校を変えずにもう1回受けることにした。私は自分の本当にやりたいこと、とは、不安要素が0パーセントで希望要素が100パーセントであるものだ、と思い込んで悩んでいたんだけど、そんなことはありえなくて。物事には良い面と悪い面があるように進路や自分の選択も、100パーセントプラスの面だけで成り立っているのではなく、いろんな思いや事情を抱えてそれらを全部ひっくるめて自分の選択である、ということにやっと気付けた。あとは1度見た憧れはやっぱり捨て切れなくて。
I decided to take the exams to get into the same school, where I once failed, after a year. I was thinking about was eliminating my anxiety and be filled with just hope. But, that's wrong, it's impossible. There is good and bad in everything, including my choices and future. Nothing will make you feel 100% happy. Everything includes both good and bad. After I realized that, I couldn't give up on my dream that I had.
自分をそういう思考に持ってこられてからは、比較的前向きに日々を過ごせて、結果、第一志望の大学に合格することもできた。もちろん不安な気持ちはいつもあったし、今思い返せば生理も止まってたから相当気をはっていたんだと思う。合格した時も嬉しさより、ホッとした気持ちの方が強いくらいだった。そんな辛い浪人だったから、受験の大変さはすごくわかる。もし、honeyhandsを読んでくれている子の中に、受験や何か大きな試験を抱えている人がいたら、何年か後にはその頑張りが全て報われるから大丈夫、だから頑張って！、と伝えたいです。
After I started thinking like that, my life became easier and happier. Finally, I could pass the exams at the end. Obviously, my anxiety came along with me all the way from the day I failed the first exam until the day I had the second exam. When I think back now, my period was super irregular at the time. Honestly, I felt more relieved than happy when I passed the exams. I still understand how hard entrance exams are for Japanese universities. So, if there's anyone who reads honeyhands and is having the same kind of hard time (not only the university examinations), I want everyone to remember that your hard work will pay off at the end and everything will be alright.
私は専攻が音楽だから、予備校には行かずにいわゆる宅浪だったんだけど、家に1人でいるとどうしても気が滅入ってしまうから、その対策として、お昼ご飯を食べながら録画していた映画を30分観る、ということをしていました。最初はレイトショーに行ったりしていたんだけど、夜遅くなるとやっぱり生活のリズムが崩れるから、お昼にしたんだ。映画を楽しみに午前中頑張ろうと思うと、朝も起きれるし、おすすめです☺ あとは、10月ごろまで、週2くらいでジムにも行っていた。運動はこまめにするといいかも。アルバイトは、ありがたいことにしていなかったんだけど、生活リズムが崩れない程度に期間を決めてやるのは、私は良いと思うな。
I'm a major in music, so I didn't need to go to "after school" school aka cram school, like everyone else did. I stayed at home and studied a lot, but being at home for so long made me feel depressed. I decided to make my own little routine. For example, I watched a film as I had a lunch for my break time. At first, I went to the movie theatre late at night to watch a film by myself for my own relaxation. However, I wanted to have a healthy lifestyle, so I decided to watch a film during the day on my break time. When I think about the films I was watching, it wasn't too bad to wake up early and study a bit, watch a movie and then study again. So I recommend to find and make your own "little happy time" between your hard times. Also, I went to the gym twice a week when I was a ronin. Exercising is important! Luckily, I didn't have a part-time job when I was ronin but it'd be nice if you could do so freely. If I had enough time and a good job, I'd definitely do that.
逆にこれはしない方が良いと思ったのがSNSかな。大学生になった同級生のキラキラした姿とかを見てしまうと、やっぱり辛いし、自己嫌悪に陥ってしまうから。特に入学式のシーズンは絶対開かない方がいい！上手に使えれば、同じ浪人生と繋がって励ましあったりできるかもしれないけど、私の経験では控えた方が良いと思う。
What I don't recommend during this time is social media. When I was a ronin, I hated it. I didn't want to see everyone's posts on any social media, who passed exams and enjoying their dream university life. Not gonna lie, it was hard to look at that because it made me hate myself for not passing the exam, so what I would recommend to you is to be offline for a little while unless you don't know how to use it and control your own feelings.
今だから言えることだけど、長い人生の中で受験期なんてほんの一瞬。だから逆に、死ぬ気でやっても大丈夫。死なないから！笑 本番はいつも通りにやれば大丈夫だよ。受かる時は受かるし、落ちる時は落ちるものだから。結果も自分が納得すればそれで良いのだもの。
全ての人の頑張りが報われますように。きっと来年は楽しいクリスマスが待ってるはず。
I can say now that the hard time I had is just a little "moment" of my life. I would rather recommend you to work hard, as much as you can, like crazy, because you won't die and you'll overcome this "moment." I'm telling you this because I experienced it and felt it that way. Whether you fail or pass, just do your best so you won't regret it. I hope everyone's hard work pays off at the end and everyone will be happy from the bottom of my heart.
An enjoyable holiday season will be waiting for you next year :)
All Images by Hikari Sawada
English Translation by Hikari
English Edit by Lisa