the things i couldn't tell my mom



※This article contains body image with negative ideas.


Hello, everyone! Same as the last topic that I wrote, I'd love to talk about my experience involving how I feel about body image. Many people have been telling me that I'm skinny, but at home, my mom has been telling me that I'm fat. And it hurts. Being skinny is a part of my mom's identity, so she makes an effort to keep her body fit, considering that she's skinnier than me.


Until I became a teenager, I always believed that my mom is always right, so many of my friends at school told me that I'm so skinny. However, my mom kept telling me that I was fat, so I would believe my mom. When I think back now, I was so skinny, but at the time that was so hard to live with.


Because she was the one who I wanted to have on my side, looking back, I find it traumatic when I think about a particular moment that my mom kept telling me that I was fat. I was seriously considering myself as someone who was 'fat', so I was scared to eat junk food and drink anything with sugar. There were nights that I only ate an apple for dinner. This went on for years. I just wanted to be accepted by my mom. Even now, I only can drink black coffee and anything with sugar scares me.


As I entered university, I met some adults who care and think about me without being fake. I realized that I'm actually skinny. I still remember that the realization was a huge shock, and at the same time, I also realized that my mom wasn't right all this time.


It was good to realize that I am skinny and that became my confidence. Even I felt lucky that my body won't get fat easily than other people, but at the same time I knew that this idea came from my mom telling me "being skinny = the most beautiful thing."


However, people also started telling me that my body type is too skinny or not attractive as a woman, which is also really hurtful. In my head, I know that every single person has a different body type and every single person can be beautiful in their own way and I've been writing articles like that on honeyhands too. But, I don't think I'd have been able to have full confidence with my body ever in my life before.