platonic vs true sense of love

プラトニック・ラブ vs 本物の愛

When I was young, I went to kindergarten and wore a heart shaped metal ring on my middle finger, showing it to everyone and saying out loud it was for this cute boy I liked. A marriage promise and a proposal – god, how cheesy! Of course now, many years forward it’s funny – and cringy – to picture me, who doesn't like the idea of getting married not even a little bit, doing something like this. That could be considered the earliest outburst of romance I had, but I am not romantic in the stereotypical sense that I would prepare a table with a red cloth and shiny champagne flutes, some jazz music, decorating and creating ambience with candles and rose petals for my partner; more in the sense that I will always value feelings and atmospheres the most.

まだ小さくて幼稚園に行ってた頃、私は『好きな男の子のため』って言って、ハート型の指輪を中指につけていたの。結婚の約束とか、プロポーズとか。すごく恥ずかしい!今思えば、何年も前のことで面白いけど、でも思い出すとやっぱり恥ずかしい。でも結婚について夢を描いたり、妄想したりしちゃうのは多くの人にあることだと思う。そういうのが私の小さい頃の恋愛についての考え方だったかも。かと言って、ステレオタイプな恋愛を求めているわけじゃない。例えば、赤いテーブルクロスにシャンパングラス、ジャズミュージックにキャンドルとバラのデコレーションみたいなのをパートナーには求めない。それよりも、もっと感情や雰囲気に価値をおきたい。

Throughout the years, I have had crushes on many people, each of them very different from the other and totally unaware of me. You see, my lovers never knew about my feelings for them, especially because most of the time I was not even close to these people. So the whole thing was a secret, a personal pleasure and a form of despair, a shiny and passionate daydream, never fulfilled, never declared openly. In my mind, they all loved me but they didn’t have the courage to say it. Of course this was hope rather than fact, as nothing ever came out of these crushes. But I love to love, even just for the sake of it, and I like to spend time wondering what texture their skin near the belly button is or what their opinion on astrology is.

これまでずっとたくさんの人に片想いしてきた。もちろん一人一人違ったし、私のことをちゃんと知らない人ばかり。彼らは私の気持ちを知ることはなかったって言うのも、ほとんどの人は私と仲良しだったわけじゃないから。だから全部秘密だったし、私の楽しみであり絶望でもあった。キラキラした妄想も、何もかも満たされることもなければ、告白することもなかった。私の頭の中では、彼らは本当