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  • mio

is love in there?


Hi, everyone! It’s Mio. Today I’m going to share about my experience of the hardest love story I have ever experienced.


First, how does everyone feel when you hear about “friends with benefit”? Do you have a bad image, or you don’t care about it, or have you ever had an experience like that, or maybe are you having it now?


As you can see from my introduction, I was in a relationship with a boy who was not my boyfriend, we just had a body relationship.


To talk about the reason why I started having a relationship with him. I have to go back to spring, last year. I’m not going to talk about our relationship in detail before we had a body relationship, but we were just friends. This is true. That day on April, I received a call from him at midnight, but I had school tomorrow and I wanted to sleep, so I didn’t call him back. After few minutes later, he called me again and again, so finally I answered the phone. I had not seen him for a long time, so the first word was “Long time no see”. During the call, he said “I want to meet you, come here”. I didn’t want to, because I had to wake up early the next morning and it thought I might stay long if I met him, because he was drunk. But it was a reunion after he had been away for a long time so after the call finished, I decided to go.


After I went to his house, we went to the convenience store, and had a little talk, and came back to his house. After that, “it” started, so naturally, of course consensually.


It wasn’t bad. After we were done, it didn't feel weird. I thought “oh my gosh”, and I sent a message to my friend, “I did that with a boy who I am not in love.” Even now, I don’t know why I sent that message, but I might have been confused.


After that day, we met once a week until summer came. I didn’t have any special feelings for him. I think that there was not a clear reason why I went to meet him. If I had any reasons to meet him, “loving him” was not in them. I just enjoyed every conversation with him and the drive with him at midnight. I also didn't want to meet him to do only sex. Truly. (I don’t know what he was thinking though.)

その後も、夏が来るまで、週に1回くらい会ってた。彼に対して特別な感情なんて持っていなかったし、私が彼に会いに行く明確な理由はひとつもなかった。もしあったとしても、“彼を好きだから” なんていう理由はそこにはなかった。私はただ彼との会話や、真夜中のドライブを楽しんでいただけで、そこにセックスをするためだけに会いに行くっていう目的はなかった。本当に。(彼がどう思っていたかは知らないけど。)

Before summer was over, the number of nights we meet decreased. Before meeting, he usually contacted me, so when the nights that he didn’t send a message to me continued, I wondered if he was seeing someone else or if he had a girlfriend. I didn’t know why I was thinking that, but I missed him so much. And I noticed, “I am in love with him.” It was not a big feeling but it was a true, real feeling.


After two or three weeks later, he contacted me. I was so happy and couldn’t wait to meet him. That night, when I met him, I wanted him to hold me and kiss me, but I didn’t tell him, because I was not his girlfriend and thought if I said that to him, I thought he may think that I am a troublesome person.


To be honest, I was afraid of that. Our relationship is only physical, so I didn’t want him to hate me, and I was so scared that the day he doesn’t call me will come if he notices that I love him. I noticed he just saw me as a friend with benefit not as a romantic object. And that night, I recognized that the reason why he didn’t see me as a romantic object. Clearly and suddenly.


“Recently, I went fishing with my girlfriend…”


“What?“ I said.


This is the first time that he told me about his girlfriend. They have been dating for three years.


I was completely confused and asked him why he was hiding it until this time. He said “I thought there was no need to tell you about my girlfriend, and I thought you have already noticed.” No need to tell me? What are you thinking? But I couldn’t tell him that, because I realized that I’ve been already in love with him so deeply at that time. I didn’t ask about his girlfriend so much because if I asked him, I would consider myself miserable.


However, after that day, we continued have a relationship even I know he has a girlfriend. I felt so sorry for his girlfriend, but I couldn’t stop my feelings. I realized that I was obsessed with him and I was not able to escape. But when he talked about his girlfriend, I was so sad. I felt down and miserable, and every time I was looking for something else I could invest my emotions into.


There were nights that I cried. There were nights that I was trying not to think about him, but I couldn’t easily.


I was trying to distract myself for a long time, because I thought as long as we keep going on with this relationship, no one can be happy. I might have been too late in realizing this, but thanks to that I thought, I was able to get out.


Being in love with friend with benefits or friend who has a partner is something that happens often I think. I think it is not a bad thing. But at the same time, it must be so hard. From this experience, I learned how to get over from the dark side, and I would love my hurting heart and body more. This is not mean that I could not love myself when I was into him. I hurt myself arbitrarily, and I despised myself thinking why did I fell in love with a friend with benefit. This is the first time for me to fell in love with a friend with benefit, more so one who has a partner so at that time, I was so confused and I thought he did a terrible thing to me.


And this is the most important, I thought that I want to give my body to somebody who loves me next. There are many types of sex. I think there should be no rules that we should never do sex if we are not dating, we should never do sex if we don’t love each other. But one time he said to me “I want to care about my girlfriend so I want to do with you what I can’t do with my girlfriend.” At that time, I was so hurt and I recognized again that he sees me as only as a friend with benefit. So next time, I want to give my body to somebody who loves me. I have not met somebody just like that yet, but I wish I meet them soon.


Images by Mio

English Edited by Eli

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