choice of living a life
どのように生きるか。
ー 正解は人の数だけ存在する ー
こんにちは、インターンライターのYurinaです！今日は、わたしが人生において選択する時に、どう決断するかについてシェアしようと思う！
Hello! I'm Yurina, the new intern writer. Today, I want to talk about how I make my life decisions.
わたしは中学生の頃から、チャレンジ精神旺盛だったんだけど、本番になるといつも食べ物が喉を通らないくらいひどく緊張して、うまくいかないことも度々あった。人は誰でも、“自己防衛”という能力をもってる。だから、放っておくと誰でも、ネガティブな方向に行っちゃうんだ。「本番で失敗したらどうしよう。」「現地で危険な目にあったらどうしよう。」「友達ができなかったらどうしよう。」「想いを伝えて振られたらどうしよう。」こんなふうに。だったら、最初から守りに入って、やらない方がマシだって考えてしまった経験は誰にでもあると思うんだ。
Since I was in junior high school, I've always wanted to challenge things. However, when the time comes, I get so nervous and can't even eat anything. I even failed to challenge things sometimes because of this reaction of mine. Every human being has the power of self-defence. I believe that if you're letting things happen to you without trying to control them, it sometimes goes to negative directions. "What if it won't go well?" "What if I get in trouble?" "What if I can't make any friends?" "What if he doesn't like me back?" Just like that. It's easy to protect myself from the beginning and think that it's better not to try. And I bet you experienced this feeling at least once in your life.
わたしは、選択することは同時に自分の決断に責任を持つことだと思うの。その結果を誰のせいにもしないこと。人のせいにすることって楽で、自分に原因を置くことってしんどくて。たとえば告白するとき、「あの子がオーケーしてくれなかったらどうしよう」じゃなくて、自分がどうしたいか、に集中することが本当は魅力的な在り方で、自分もそうありたいなって。恋愛に限っては、そううまくはいかないこともあるけどね (笑)
I think that making the decision to do something is a form of giving myself responsibility. I don't blame anyone in the end. It's easy to blame someone else, but I can find it hard to blame myself. For example, if you wanted to tell your feelings to someone you like, and you think "what if the person won't accept or reciprocate my feelings"? But, it's important to focus on yourself. How can YOU make YOURSELF feel better? Well, when it comes to a relationship or friendship, it involves two people so it can be harder than when you decide something for yourself.
大学に入って、韓国に留学に行くか悩んで居た時、「１年という選択肢もあるんだけど、半年間だけ留学しようかな。」ってある友達に相談した。就職のこととか、当時付き合ってた人のこととか、当時のわたしにとって守りたい環境があったから。その友達は、『どっちの選択が、ユリナにとって大変？』って聞いた。「１年。」『じゃあ、１年行きな。』
When I was in university, I wanted to study abroad in South Korea. I thought about the environment that I wanted to keep such as my partner who I was dating at the time, or getting a good job when I graduate. I was talking about it with my friend, "I can go study abroad for a year but it's better for only 6 months." My friend asked "Which is harder for you, Yurina?" I said, "A year." My friend said, "Okay, you're going for a year."
その１年を経験したことで、たくさんのことが変わった。語学力、新たな学問との出会い、わたしが今歩んでいる院進学という道、付き合っていた人との別れ。わたしは、その時１年行ったことを後悔したことはない。それは、友達の言葉を聞いてから、自分なりに考えて、わたしの判断で選択したからだと思う。
So I decided to study abroad for a year. Experiencing new things for a year made many things different in my life. My language skills, learning and studying new fields, deciding to go for a master's degree, and breaking up with the partner I had. I never regretted deciding to leave Japan and study abroad for a year. Because of my friend, I could think as much as I needed to, when I could choose easily to go for just 6 months without thinking too much. I'm happy with my decision.
日本で行われたカンボジアのチャリティーイベントにたまたま行く機会があって、そこで大切なカンボジア人の友達ができて、それでカンボジア語を学びたくなって、２ヶ月間単身プノンペンに留学に行ったこともあった。家族からは反対された。そんな危険な国に行くなって。その時は自分で決断したのに、空港で突然不安になって、涙が出た。言語もわからない未知の土地に１人で行くことは、怖かった。着いてから、恐怖心のせいで３日間は外に出ることができなかったし、近くの市場にさえ行くことが難しかったのを覚えてる。
Once, I had the chance to visit Cambodia through a charity event in Japan. I made some Cambodian friends there and I started feeling like I wanted to learn Cambodian. I decided to study abroad for two months in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. My family wasn't happy about my decision. They said "Don't go to such a dangerous country." When I arrived at the airport, I got scared of my decision and I remember that I cried by myself. I didn't know their language and threw myself into somewhere I didn't know at all. I was scared. I couldn't go out for three days after I arrived. I remember it was so hard to leave to go to the little market by the place where I was staying.
でも実際に出てみると、カンボジアで出会った人々は本当に暖かかった。道を歩きながら挨拶を交わしたり、１ヶ月も経つと、街でお茶してるおじさまたちとカンボジア語でコミュニケーションを取れるようになっていた。みんな、わたしがカンボジア語を学びにきたっていうと、「君は変わり者だね」と言って笑った。
I started going out after three days of staying inside and being scared - every single Cambodian person I met was so warm and sweet. As I walked around, we said hi to each other. About a month later, I was able to communicate with the people on the street who were enjoying their tea in their language. Everyone laughed and said that I'm a weirdo when I told them that I came here to learn Cambodian.
わたしはこの時から決心した。“やるか、やらないか”という次元で物事を考えるよりも、まずは無条件にやると決めて、それを“続けるか、続けないか”という次元で考えてみることを。そうしたら、世界がもっと広がるんじゃないかなと思うんだ。もちろんそれには、周りの反対がつきものだと思う。韓国の大学院に行くと決めた時、周りの教授はこの先就職が難しくなるという理由で、わたしの未来のことを思ってまずは反対した。両親は、就職や婚期が遅くなることを心配した。おばぁちゃんは、就職することが決まったわたしの友達を羨ましがった。
In the moment, I decided not to think if I want to do it or not. I decided to do everything I want to try without thinking, and I allow myself to think whether I want to continue or not after I tried - at least I can see the world differently than I had before. Of course, the people around me would oppose to what I want to do sometimes. When I decided to go back to university for a master's degree in South Korea, my professors in Japan told me that it'd be difficult to get a job when I come back. I guess they were opposed to my idea for my future. My parents worried about the same things: it would be harder to get a job and I'll be left on the shelf. Even my grandmother envied my friends for getting a job already while her granddaughter decided to study longer.
でも極端に言ってしまうと、わたしにとっては、将来仕事がなくてどうしようもなくなっても、その時はその時で何とかする、アルバイトをしてでも生きて行くぞ、という覚悟をもって、選択したことだった。大企業への就職や結婚、出産などという今まで“幸せの定義”とされていたものたちは、もうすでに変化しつつある。経済だって、企業だって、日本のお金の価値だって、急に崩壊するかもしれないこの世の中で、何を信じて生きていけばいいかなんてわからない。何かが起こった時に人のせいにしても、そこからは怒りしか生まれない。それなら、少しでも自分で意識をもった選択をして生きて行く方が、自分の理想に近づけるんじゃないかな。
To be honest, I don't really care about getting a job. I'll do whatever I need to do to support myself when the time comes. If I need to do part-time jobs, I will. I decided all this with knowing all that. Getting a job at a big company, getting married early, and having a baby could have been "the definition of happiness." However, these definitions never stay the same. As the economy changes, the companies change. Maybe Japan will experience something like the Great Depression in the future. Who knows? I don't know what to believe at this moment. I can't blame anyone for anything that happens to us. I don't wanna be mad. So I wanna decide what I wanna do my own way. I believe that I should live the life I wanna live as much as I can, while I can.
Images by Yurina
English Translated by Hikari
English Edited by Lisa