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a racing heart vs comfort?







I had a boyfriend who I dated for about 5 years.

Even though we had been together for 5 years, we broke up.

He was my childhood friend and I was with him until we graduated high school.

We started to date when we were 14 years old and started a long-distance relationship when we entered university. Our relationship had continued for about a year and a half since we become long-distance.


There were many reasons why we broke up, but the biggest reason was that I got a crush on another boy who I met at university. I found myself following him with my eyes and I was confused by my heart racing in a way I had never experienced before. My friend asked me “Do you like him?” because my eyes tended to give things away. As a result, I could not ignore my feelings anymore. I felt tormented by guilt every day since I realized my feelings.


Of course, I loved my boyfriend. I always looked forward to seeing him every three months. I enjoyed being with him, and spending time with him made me feel relaxed. I could be myself in front of him. We had a big fight six months before we broke up. Since then, we could understand each other better because we talked a lot about our feelings honestly then. We had been doing better even compared to before we were long-distance. Precisely for that reason, It was not easy to understand why I fell in love with someone else. I thought to myself, “Why now?” Nevertheless, I could not stop my feelings.


To be honest, I loved both of them. I learned that there were two kinds of “love” at that time for the first time. Love that makes your heart race, and love that gives you comfort.


I contemplated whether I should break up with my boyfriend or not, but I thought that I would regret it if I wasn’t honest with my feelings. I would eventually experience comforting love in my adulthood when I’m stable. However, I can only experience the racing-heart kind of love now. I spoke to my boyfriend honestly and broke up with him.


I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry, but I cried. Even though I was the one who broke up with him, I missed him and felt lonely for about a week.


On the other hand, my guilt disappeared gradually and I could concentrate on my unrequited love. In the end, the feelings were unreturned, but I didn’t regret anything. I didn’t have enough time to think about the previous five years because I was in emotional turmoil between two kinds of love, but these days, I have come to think about it.


The heart-racing love changed me.

I put more effort into my looks like clothes and makeup because I saw him every day at school. I went to classes people usually skipped with the impure motive of wanting to see him. I felt happy one moment and sad the next, however, I enjoyed every moment.



And comforting love supported me mentally.

Having a place and person with whom I can feel relief and talk about stupid things and my feelings gave me support. I now realize that he gave me a lot of power to work hard in my studies, part-time job, and club activities, but I didn’t know that at the time. I realized I didn’t do it alone. I had someone I could always go to. He was kind of like my power source because he always loved me the way I was. I noticed that there were a lot of things I didn’t notice when I was still with him because I was so overwhelmed by my own feelings.


I think that both types of love had meaning for me. So, to be honest, I can’t decide which is better. But, I can’t cheat on someone and pursue both because I would feel tormented by guilt. I have decided to trust my feelings when I am confused and to never lie to myself or be a dishonest person. These are the only things I’ve decided on. For the time being, I will sit with myself as I am.

Images by Yuri

Edited by Eli, Kiara and Hikari

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