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focusing on my own body




The more I’m exposed to others, the more I deny my appearance, and the idea of ‘Should I go on a diet again?’ passes my mind these days. But the people who choose to be around me because of my appearance will not stay for long and leave me when I get old. The people who I should love are those who don’t care about my appearance. I will work to not be so hard on myself.

This post on twitter made by a midwife and sex education YouTuber Shiorine caught my eyes.


Why have I ever been on a diet in the past? Has it been true for me? Has it influenced me positively? These questions suddenly occurred to me. I had cared about how other people saw me, and thought that I was worse than others in comparison and felt pressure that “I should be slender.” That was the reason I had been on a diet. When I saw the post from Shiorine, the words “Being on a diet because of what others think of me” caught my attention and I felt empathy with her words “I will work to not be so hard on myself.” Since then, I realized that my way of thinking toward being on a diet and my body image have been changed. Today, I’m going to share the changes and how I feel now.


One day in the beginning of February, when I went shopping and saw myself in the mirror in the fitting room, I got sad. At the cosmetic counter that I went to after that, I didn’t want to see my face in the mirror and left immediately. In the end, I didn’t buy anything and just got home feeling tired. I was in a gloomy mood and wondered that if I had a better figure and was more beautiful, I would not feel like this.


The next morning, I came across an article “Let’s slowly love myself as the way that I am” which Hikari, an editor-in-chief of honeyhands, wrote in “kagamiyo kagami” a media aiming to boost women’s self-affirmation. I really resonated with the words “It is easy to underestimate myself and feel miserable, but it’s difficult to take care and be kind to myself.” I tend to criticize myself harshly, but I felt that I wanted to accept myself for who I am and focus on loving myself too, as Hikari had written. I had been sad since the day I went shopping, but I felt relieved and it became an opportunity to rethink my body image and my way of thinking.


I had a lot of negative things to say about my body like how it’s hard to lose fat around my legs, my cheeks that start to stand out as soon as I gain weight, signs off atopy or allergies that show on my skin, and my low nose. Words like, “You’ve put on a bit of weight recently, no?” or looking at the weight of people who are the same height as me which I often saw on Instagram, photos of before and after of weight loss of people, and night bra advertisements pitching the appeal of big breasts… I realized that every time I saw them, I had unconsciously created images that “I should be like this” or “this is better.” In the past diets I’ve done, I have denied myself and tried to make myself closer to the “ideal,” where it was not healthy either physically or mentally because I limited my daily calorie intake and skipped meals.


Then, I stopped being on an unhealthy diet and began to be conscious of what to eat. Especially in the cafeteria of the dormitory where I lived in Denmark, where I studied abroad, they used organic and environmentally friendly food, so I think that it affected me in a good way. Until now, I was only thinking about what I should not eat and how much calories I should limit myself to, but now I think from a new perspective of what to choose for myself and which is better for the environment. It’s more comfortable for me to have the feeling of “choosing what to eat for my health and body” rather than restricting myself to “not get fat.”

そして今の自粛期間を機に、YouTubeを見ながらヨガやエクササイズをやってみている。痩せるためのきつい運動や筋トレは続いたことがなかったけど、自分のために、自分が楽しめたり、心地よく感じることを目的にやっていたら、自然と2ヶ月以上続いていた!最近、私が好きな『Haruka Kuriyama』のヨガの動画の中で言われていた、『外側に向けていた意識を内側に集めていく』『少しの間、自分の内側に意識を向けていく』ということを意識してみている。人の目を気にしたり、誰かと比較するよりも、自分自身に目を向けて、自分の内側に焦点を当てようとしている。以前は毎日見ていたダイエットアカウントのフォローをやめ、インスタの発見タブでおすすめされる投稿も見なくなったら自然と表示されなくなってきた。毎日体重計に乗って一喜一憂するのをやめ、鏡の前に立って自分の姿を見るようにしている。画面の中で見る誰かと自分を比べることで、今までは「自分なんて」というような否定的な気持ちになったけれど、今は「まあ、こんな感じか」と思う。それは諦めや妥協という感覚より、自分に意識を向けることで、今のそのままの自分自身を知ることにもつながっていて、少しずつでも今の自分を受け入れられるようになってきている気がする。

Recently, I took the opportunity of this “stay at home” period to try yoga and exercise by watching youtube. I’ve never succeeded in continuing hard exercise or muscle training to lose weight, but this time, I’ve done them to enjoy and feel comfortable, so it has become my routine for more than two months! These days, I’m conscious of what Haruka Kuriyama said in her youtube video about “Gathering the consciousness that was directed to the outside to the inside” and “Focusing on the inside of myself for a moment.” I’m trying to see myself and focus inside of me rather than caring about other people’s eyes and comparing myself with someone else. I stopped following the diet accounts which I’d watched every day before on Instagram and started to not see those posts that used to naturally pop up on my explore page. I stopped weighing myself every day, being happy and anxious at times, but I try to look at myself in front of the mirror instead. When I was comparing myself with someone who I saw on my phone screen, I underestimated myself and felt negatively, but now I think “Well, it’s OK to be me.”

It’s not something like resignation nor compromise. Focusing on myself helps me to understand myself and I feel that I have gradually been able to start to accept me for who I am.


I think that I’m the best person who can take care and recognize the true value of myself. I want to choose my actions to be healthy and to like myself more rather than deny and drive myself into a corner by comparing myself with others. I’d love to know the things that you are doing for self-care !

Images by Yuri

English Edited by Hanayo

Edited by Hikari Sawada and Hikari

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