graduation from evaluations



When I open the window, I feel a gentle breeze. When I stand by the window, I feel the warm sun. I’d already graduated from university when I noticed that spring had passed. I really didn’t feel that I had graduated from university because I’d taken online courses during the pandemic for almost a year. It’s hard to recall my memories of when I used to commute to my beautiful campus. Fortunately, I became a graduate student at the same university, so I can continue my studies with passion. So, I decided to graduate not from university but from something else - ‘graduating’ from worrying about evaluations and killing my own thoughts.


* リベラルアーツの大学 = 文・理・芸術系の枠組みを乗り越えて、統合的に学ぶ環境のある大学。

I have lived my life wondering how others evaluate me until recently. It seems that I learned to live based on the evaluation by others unconsciously by receiving Japanese education, which strongly emphasizes competition and conformity. I was always comparing myself with others, especially in academic and sport performances, when I was in junior high and high school. So, I heavily focused on what I lack and my inferiority to others. My way of life had not changed much after entering university, even though I entered liberal arts college, where I can study freely. Even when I took my favourite courses, I was more concerned about my grades rather than enjoying the courses. When I was in the first and second year, I was more sensitive to my grades because I had a goal to study abroad as an exchange student. I was putting all my energy into my studies to get an A. I was always nervous in class because I was overly afraid of making mistakes in class and course assignments. Especially when I was taking courses in English, I compared my English skills with other classmates who are fluent in English and imprinted a sense of inferiority on myself. I also had an experience where I cried a lot because I couldn’t keep up with the class. Later, I learned that it can be hurtful to evaluate myself by comparing with others.