top of page

me, my body and food


by #mia



I love food. And I know everyone does to an extent, at least.

I sometimes make plans to get bread after work just to have something to look forward to and distract myself. I love going out for brunch with my friends on weekends. I also love visiting grocery stores when I travel abroad.



The thing is, I think I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

The relationship I have with food resembles that of Rachel and Ross.


People have been commenting on my body since when I was really young.

But I remained unbothered. At least for a while.


When I was 9 years old, my ballet teacher told me I was “too fat” to become a ballerina.

I decided I did not want to become one.


When I was 10 years old, my mother told me she was too embarrassed to be outside with me because I was “too fat”. I told her she could go shopping alone.





When I was 11 years old, kids I went to cram school with started making fun of me because I was “too fat”. I didn’t care because I knew I was not obligated to change my appearance based on what others thought of it. Instead, I concentrated on my studies.

I was there to study and not to please other kids or socialize.





Then, I turned 12. I got accepted into the junior high school I wanted to go to.

That was when reality hit me really, really hard.

I became the “chubby girl”.

I would get mean comments from my classmates on a daily basis.

“Are you really going to eat that much?” “Why don’t you lose weight?” “Did you get fat?”



I was not angry. I did feel sad though because I felt like I was not allowed to be the way I was.

I asked my mother for advice. She said to me, “You should lose weight if you want it to stop.”






I decided I had to lose weight in order to be accepted.

I cut out sugar from my diet.

I stopped drinking juice.

I stopped eating white rice.

I loved these foods. But I stopped consuming them.








And I did lose weight. A lot of it.

Kids around me began to notice that I had lost weight.

They became friendly. I now know how disgusting that is, but I was happy to finally be accepted. They would ask me how I lost weight.

Actually, they still ask me the same question at reunions.

“How do you stay so skinny?” “But you eat heaps!”

I remained skinny because I was desperate. I was scared of gaining weight because I believed that my friends would leave me if I did. A part of me thought, those people aren’t your friends. But I was still scared.


Until very recently, I would try so hard to come across as someone who does not really care about nutrition or calories, eats whatever she wants but does not gain a pound. Why? Because I wanted to seem chill and unbothered. All my friends are obsessed with food but are really thin. Thinner than me. I wanted to be like them, even though I didn't have to conform.


As opposed to my junk food loving phase, I also went through another phase where I only ate what I thought was “healthy”. I even ate strictly vegan for a while. I told people it was for animals and the environment and it was true, but the biggest reason was that I was scared of gaining weight. I literally only ate small portions of vegetables and fruits. I once almost fainted at school because of anemia. But I still thought fainting every day would be better than gaining weight from eating right. I was in year 12 and was preparing for my final exams back then. Of course I could not get into my first choice university.

I ended up torturing myself.







It would be a lie if I said I no longer get happy when the number on the scale drops.

I think I have not been able to completely free myself from the curse of dieting.

However, I recently realised it was all about balance.

Now I know for sure that anything extreme is harmful both for my body and soul.

However much I weigh, I should genuinely appreciate the fact that I have a healthy body.

Also, I want to cherish the moments I spend having good food with loved ones.

Actually, I’m still too scared to eat white rice. But a friend of mine told me she was going to take me to a good Japanese teishoku restaurant. I’m really looking forward to it ☺️





I would really like to update my perspective on food and dieting and work towards improving it to one that is healthier and holistic.

Food and health. These two concepts are deeply connected in that one’s diet affects their well-being, not only physically but also mentally.

It is about time I stop torturing my body and mind.

For the day I’ll be able to fully cherish the person I have got to spend the rest of my life with.



Images by Mia

English Edited by Kiara

Edited by Eli, Hikari Sawada, Kiara and Hikari