what i felt through my marriage

結婚を通して感じたこと

What I Felt Through My Marriage

2021年10月、私は約2年半付き合った彼と結婚した。この記事を書いているのは結婚して2か月が経った頃。ちょうど入籍＆引っ越しのバタバタもひと段落して、やっと普通の生活を送れるようになってきたところだ。落ち着くまでの期間は私にとって長い道のりのように感じた。

In October 2021, I got married to my boyfriend of about two and a half years. I am writing this article two months after our marriage. The flurry of marriage registration and moving to a new house has just settled down, and I am finally able to get back to a normal life. It felt like such a long way for me to settle down.

結婚を決めたのは8月の終わり頃で、一緒に生活するようになったのは11月。実家住まいだった私が、結婚を機に1人暮らしをしていた彼の家に引っ越す形になった。これから始まる新生活の準備をする時間は新鮮で、一緒に住み始めるまでの週末は必ずどこかに出かけて、あーでもないこーでもないと言い合いながら買い物をするのがとても楽しかった。でも、だんだんと実家を離れるんだ、結婚するんだという実感が沸くと、楽しさより寂しさや不安の方が強くなっていった。

We decided to get married at the end of August, and we started living together in November. I had been living at home with my parents, but when we got married, I moved into his house, where he had been living alone. The time we spent preparing for our new life together was fresh and we always went out somewhere on weekends before we started living together and had a lot of fun shopping while arguing about what to do and what not to do. However, as I gradually realized that I was leaving my parents' house and getting married, I felt more lonely and anxious than happy.

私はこれまで1人暮らしを経験したことがない。25年間、ずっと実家住まいだった自分がここを離れるなんて簡単には想像できなかった。今の家から実家までは車で50分程で、そう簡単に帰れる距離ではない。なにより、愛犬と離れる寂しさと、母を1人にする心配が大きかった。私の家庭は4人家族だけど、私がちょうど実家を離れるタイミングで父の長期出張が決まった。それに、妹もバイトで家をあけることが多いため、母が1人でいる時間が今まで以上に増えることになった。そんな実家の状況を思うと、父の出張が終わるまでは引っ越しを延長しようかと考えたほどだ。

I had never lived alone before. After 25 years of living at home, I could not easily imagine leaving here. It is a 50-minute drive from my home where I live now to my parents' house, which is not an easy distance to return home. Above all, the loneliness of being away from my dog and the worry of leaving my mother alone was a big concern. There are four in my family, but my father was going on a long business trip at the same time I was leaving my parents' house. In addition, my younger sister is often away from home doing her part-time work, so my mother will have to spend more time alone than ever before. Considering the situation at my parents' home, I even considered extending the move until my father's business trip was over.

そうこうするうちに入籍の日が近付き、新たに「苗字問題」に頭を悩まされることになった。私は夫婦別姓賛成派だけど、自分自身は彼の苗字になることには別に違和感を感じなかった。だけど入籍の日が近付くにつれて、「自分の苗字が変わること」にいささか疑問を持つようになった。名前が変わるといろんな名義変更が必要になってくる。25年間ともに過ごしてきた苗字が変わるのは少し寂しい、かといって自分にとっては、彼の苗字になることに特段問題があるわけではない。なんともいえない感情になってどうするべきか悩む時間が増えた。彼は、自分が私の苗字になる、つまり婿養子の形でも良いと言ってくれていたけ

ど、最終的に2人でいろいろ悩んだ結果、私が彼の苗字になるという決断を下した。

In the meantime, as the date of our marriage approached, we were faced with a new "surname issue." I am in favor of having separate surnames for married couples, but I did not feel any discomfort in taking his surname myself. However, as the date of marriage approached, I began to have some doubts about changing my surname. I was a little sad to change my surname, which I had lived with for 25 years, but I didn't have any particular problem with the fact that it would be his surname. I have spent more time wondering what to do with this indescribable feeling. He told me that he would be my surname, or in other words, he would be willing to adopt me as his son-in-law. However, in the end, after much discussion, we made the decision that I would take his last name.

彼の苗字と私の元の苗字が似ていたため、幸いにもそこまでガラッと変わったわけではない。でも、そのこともあって、入籍する時もあまり実感が沸かなかったし、正直今もあまり沸いてない。私の母や祖母、叔母や周りの女性の友達は結婚とともに苗字が変わっている。そのように、日本では、結婚したら女性側の苗字が変わることが普通だとされてきたから、その意識が自然と私にも刷り込まれているのかもしれない。そもそも苗字を変えるか変えないかという「選択肢」があれば、こんなに悶々と考えることはなかっただろう。今思い返せば入籍するまでの準備段階の間で、苗字問題について悩む時間が1番大変だったかもしれない。ただでさえ仕事をしながら引っ越しの準備に追われる毎日なのに、これ以上頭も体力も使いたくなかった。この段階で私の疲労はピークに達していたように思う。

His last name and my original last name were similar, so fortunately it was not that drastic a change. But because of that, I didn't really feel like "I got married!!" when I joined the family, and to be honest, I don't really feel it now either. My mother, grandmother, aunts and female friends around me changed their surnames when they got married. In Japan, it has been considered normal for a woman to change her family name after marriage, and this awareness may have been naturally imprinted on me as well. If I had had the "choice" of changing or not changing my family name, I would not have thought about it so much. Looking back on it now, the time I spent worrying about the surname issue during the preparation stage before I joined the family was probably the most difficult. I didn't want to use my head and energy any more than I already had, even though I was busy working and preparing for the move every day. I think my fatigue reached its peak at this time.

そしていよいよ引っ越しの日。10/31は衆議院議員総選挙の日だったため、2人でパパっと選挙を済ませて彼の家に到着した。その日は日曜日で2人とも次の日からまた仕事のため、早めに作業を終わらせようと協力して私の荷物を整理していった。買ったばかりのテレビの中では選挙結果が次々に発表されていて、あまり荷物整理に集中できなかったのを覚えている。結局、全ての荷物整理が終わらないまま新生活がスタートすることになった。

Finally, the day of the move. October 31st was the day of the general election for the House of Representatives, so we quickly completed the election and arrived at his house. Since it was Sunday and both of us had to work again the next day, we worked together to organize my stuff to finish the work early. I remember I couldn't concentrate much on organizing my stuff because the election results were being announced one after another on the TV I had just bought. In the end, I had to start my new life without finishing all the unpacking.

ここから生活が落ち着くまでの記憶はあまりない。仕事の合間を縫って、そしてたまに有給を取りながら、銀行、免許証、保険証といった私のいろいろな名義＆住所の変更手続きラッシュが始まる。住民票がいる手続きといらない手続きがあったりして、頭がごちゃごちゃになりながらの作業が続く毎日。仕事も忙しさがピークに達していた時期で、定時の18時に終わることなく寝る直前までパソコンと向き合っていた。そのせいもあって心に余裕がなくなり、彼にイライラをぶつけることが増えた。名義変更や住所変更の手続きが終わらないこと、仕事が忙しいこと、新生活に慣れないこと、全てを彼にぶつけてしまった。お互い仕事が忙しいのは変わりない。彼も私と同じように寝る直前まで仕事をして、朝早くに家を出ていく。家事はリモートワークをしている私がほとんどしているけど、彼も自分でできることはしてくれるし、必要な名義変更や住所変更リストを作ったりしてたくさん協力してくれている。そんな彼の優しさに目を向けることなく、イライラをぶつけてしまう自分に嫌気がさして、彼が仕事に出向いたあと1人で泣く事が多々あった。そこに追い打ちをかけるように、内祝い*の用意がやってくる。お互いの親戚、友達、職場からいただいたお祝いにお返しを贈る作業だ。新生活がスタートした11月の週末はほぼどこかに出向いて内祝いの用意に追われていた。今振り返ると11月中は結婚した実感は全くなくて、ひたすら作業をして、せわしなく1日を終えていくような毎日が続いていたように思う。

* 内祝い …「身内の中で起こったおめでたいことや、喜びをお裾分けする」という意味で、自分の家でおめでたいことがあったときに、親戚や近所の人などお世話になった人に贈り物をして、その喜びを分かち合うという慣習。本来は「お返し」という意味は無いが、現代では、お祝いをいただいたら内祝いを贈ってお礼をするというケースが多い。今回は結婚の内祝いになるので、いただいたお祝いの半額程度をお返しするのがマナーだとされている。

I don't remember much from here until our living situation settled down. In between work, and sometimes with a paid vacation, the rush to change my various names and addresses (for the bank, driver's license, insurance card, etc.) began. There are some procedures that require a certificate of residence and others that don't, so my mind is a jumbled mess every day. My work was also at its peak, and I was not finished by 6:00 p.m., my regular work time, and I was working on the computer until just before I slept. Because of this, I had less time to relax, and I was taking out my frustrations on him more and more. We are both still busy with work. He, like me, works until just before sleep and leaves early in the morning. I do most of the housework because I work remotely, but he does what he can and helps me a lot by making the necessary name change and address change lists. I often cried alone after he left for work because I was tired of taking out my frustration on him without paying attention to his kindness. Then, as if to follow up on that, the preparation of the wedding gifts* would come. This is the process of giving gifts in return for congratulations received from each other's relatives, friends, and workplaces. On weekends in November, when we started our new life, I was almost always busy going somewhere to prepare for the gifts on weekends. Looking back, I don't think I felt like I was married at all during the month of November, and my days seemed to be filled with just working and rushing through the day.

* Uchi-iwai (wedding gifts)...means "to share the congratulations and joys that occur within one's family." It is a custom to give gifts to relatives, neighbors, and others who have taken care of one's family when congratulations are celebrated in one's own home and to share the joy of the event. Originally, there is no meaning of "returning a gift," but today, in many cases, when a congratulatory gift is received, the recipient is thanked with a gift of a gift from within the family. In this case, since it is a wedding gift, it is considered good manners to return about half the amount of the gift received.

そして現在、12月。いろいろなことがやっと落ち着いて、私も生活に慣れてきた。仕事も忙しさのピークが過ぎて心に余裕が持てるようになってきたし、生活リズムを掴むことができて、朝起きてからあれこれ考えることなく自然と体が動くようになった。自分の趣味の時間を取れるようになって、読書や映画＆ドラマを観れるようにもなった。彼ともやっと、寝る前に今日1日の出来事を話したり、週末は美味しいランチを食べに行ったり、近所の海辺を散歩しながらリフレッシュしたり…そんな風に、私が想像していた夫婦らしい生活ができるようになってきた。

And now, December. Things have finally settled down and I am getting used to life. The peak of my work has passed, and I am now able to have a relaxed mind. I am able to get into the rhythm of my life, and when I wake up in the morning, my body moves naturally without thinking about anything. I can now take time for my hobbies, reading, watching movies & dramas. I can finally talk with him about the day's events before sleep, go out for a good lunch on the weekends, or take a refreshing walk by the beach in our neighborhood. We are now able to live the kind of life I had imagined for us as a couple.

「新しく買い揃えた家具にワクワクするんだろうな」とか「朝はゆっくりコーヒーを淹れてゆとりをもって過ごせるんだろうな」とか、結婚するまで思い描いていた新生活が、まさかこんなバタバタとイライラでスタートするなんて想像もつかなかった。1人で抱え込んだり、自分1人の力で何でも成し遂げようとしてしまう私の性格のせいで「人に頼る」という行為が難しく、勝手に腹を立てて相手にイライラをぶつけてしまっていた。そんな悪循環では誰も良い思いをしないのに。誰かに頼れば心も身体も楽になるのだと、こんなことがある度に毎回反省してしまう。

I never imagined that my new life, which I had envisioned before I got married like "I'm sure I will be excited about the new furniture" or "I'll be able to spend my mornings making coffee and relaxing," would start with such a flurry and frustration. Because of my tendency to hold things up by myself and to try to accomplish everything by myself, it was difficult for me to "rely on others," and I became angry and took out my frustration on him without my permission. Such a vicious cycle would not do anyone any good. Every time something like this happens, I reflect on the fact that my mind and body would feel better if I could rely on someone else.

2人暮らしは慣れないことが多いし、お互い生活してきた環境が違うのもあって、生活の基準を合わせることがとても大変だと感じる。だけど一歩ずつではあるものの、お互いに同じ歩幅で生活できてきている。彼との生活を通して気づいたのは、誰かと生活するということは「その相手を思いやって生活すること」なんだと私は思う。一方的に自分のイライラをぶつけてしまう前に、一旦冷静に落ち着いて自分と向き合う時間を設けたいし、相手に直して欲しいところがあれば、自分のルールに従ってくれ！と高圧的に伝えるのではなくて、「こんな理由があって直して欲しくて、できたら私がやっているようにして欲しい」と相手に分かりやすく具体的に伝える方がいいと学んだ。だけど常に心穏やかに生活できる訳ではないので、まだまだワーワー言ってしまうことも多々あるけど（反省ポイントです…）、イライラや怒りスイッチが入るたびに「おっと危ない…」と一呼吸置くように気を付けている。

There is a lot to get used to living with another person, and we find it very difficult to match our standards of living because we have both lived in different environments. However, step by step, we have been able to live in the same step with each other. What I have realized through living with him is that living with someone means "living with consideration for that person." Before I unilaterally took out my frustrations on him. But I need to take a moment to calm down and face myself. If there's something I want him to fix, it is better to say in a clear and specific way like, "I want you to fix this for this reason, and if possible, I want you to do as I do." Rather than saying, "follow your rules!" However, I am not always able to live peacefully, so I still tend to yell a lot (a point I have to reflect on...), but whenever I get frustrated or angry, I try to take a breath and remind myself, "Oops, be careful…."

これからまだまだ長い夫婦生活だけど、いろんな発見をして経験をして、楽しみながら生活できたら良いなと思う。

We still have a long way to live together, but I hope we will be able to discover and experience many things and enjoy our lives.

Images by Mio

English Edited by Hanayo

Edited by Hikari Sawada and Hikari