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When I was 18 years old, the woman who took care of me at my part-time job that I had just started was 23 years old at the time. She was cheerful, funny and very charming. I remember thinking that I wanted to be like her. At that time, I couldn't imagine myself becoming 23 years old. I knew that it would come someday, but I only thought of it as a strange concept.
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This September, I turned 23. This is my first birthday after graduating from university and becoming a working member of society. Every year when my birthday gets closer, I start to smell that sweet and unique fragrance that autumn has, so I get very excited. (Last year, I spent my birthday in Bangkok, Thailand so it wasn't the smell of autumn, but rather the heavy sticky air of the rainy season that welcomed me.) When I turned 23, I didnât feel negative about it like âOh no, Iâm getting olderâ nor positive like âYes! Iâm older now.â Rather, it's an ambiguous emotion -- like, "23 came so fast." I thought it would feel special because it was my first birthday as a working member of society, but I donât feel like I got older. it hasnât hit me yet.
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I've been alive for 23 years, but what I feel strongly these days is that I am not the only one who is getting older. I know thatâs obvious, but I was shocked when I heard my grandmaâs age the other day. âSheâs so old now...â I thought. As I grew up, I outgrew my grandma's height before I knew it, my grandma's hands wrinkled, and my grandma's body began to gradually develop problems. I felt so sad when I thought about these things, and it really made me think that I have to give back the amount of love that she had given me. And not only for grandma, but also for my family and friends who always support me. I always want to spend my days never forgetting my gratitude to the people around me, and I want to express it to everyone.
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When I was little, I was so shy, and I didn't want to step away from my mom. But now I have grown into a strong woman who has her own opinions and expresses it, and has the courage to be able to go to New York on her own. I think that being interested in studying English when I was a junior high school student, was a big part of making me who I am today. Studying English broadened my perspective and I became interested in foreign countries. I wanted to learn more about English and learn more about the world, so I majored in English at university. At my university, I met professors and friends who were supportive of topics I wanted to learn about, such as the LGBTQ+ community and issues and feminism. Thanks to them, I was able to fully learn what I wanted to learn and speak my opinions. In addition, having to do many presentations made my fear of speaking in front of many people disappear. To think that who I am today is made up of little things that I have done, I realize there are many more things that I want to do to grow and learn more. I love my current self, but I hope I can keep updating myself, and not treat myself as a finished product.
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On my birthday, I received messages from many people wishing me a happy birthday. That night, as I read them one by one, I started to feel that I really was getting older. Am I a 23 year old that I imagined I would be when I was 18 years old? I don't know the answer for sure, but even if it's different from what I imagined at that time, it feels like I betrayed myself in a good sense and I think thatâs pretty cool. I wonder how I will feel on my birthday next year. What will I learn and how will I grow in the next year? I'm really looking forward to it, though I canât imagine what it would be like! I hope I can enjoy everything in my 23rd year with no regrets. I hope that I will encounter and learn a lot of new things, really show my love to my loved ones, not hesitate to work hard, and sometimes take breaks, and be able to welcome a great 24th birthday.
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Images by Mio
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